Quarter Life Crisis Moment #12

Ever reached that stage in life wherein you kinda want an adventure of sort, but then you don't want to be in a position of too much discomfort? It's like, "Yeah! Imma go somewhere and have the best time...but I can't be hassled with anything impractical or too tiring...so maybe next time?" It's one of those moments that goes with the saying The mind is willing but the body is not. I can feel my body slowly aging and tiring too easily, occasionally giving in once tested to its limit. Like oh-ehmm-ghee, I got a massage a few days prior after a week of continuous physical and mental activity, and in the massage I heard several bones cracking...now I've come down with a flu AND THAT'S NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK AT JUST 30! D: 

Me and my friends when planning on trips now begin with the question, is it worth the effort? We had talks of seeing mountain peaks but it mustn't require extensive hiking time...so until now, I haven't been close to a hiking trail nor a mountain peak. We wanted to go glamping as well, but the idea of sleeping in a tent sounded uncomfortable in spite of the supposed glamour of it...so we ended up checking in a room with a jacuzzi. Even when it comes to and fro a particular place, I'd rather close my eyes at the amount and get a Grab rather than having to endure several transfers and wait lines in transit. Right now I am appreciating the value of paying for practicality rather than saving a few bucks in exchange of wasted time and energy. This comes at a price though, and it does not come in cheap. But at the end of it all, we are getting a little older, and standards must get a little higher as we age. It's all part of bettering ourselves and aging gracefully. After all, we can still be grounded, at the same time live marvelously as long as we are working on what we can demand to deserve. 

My 20's Reflection Paper

From years down to days, it has come to this...hours passing and minutes ticking...I have reached the end of my twenties. It's only a matter of time when my book for this decade closes and the years to my 30's begin.

As a child I imagined that I'd have my life all figured out by now because the age 3-0 seemed so oooold twenty-so years ago. I imagined living the typical life expected of a traditional Filipino woman, aspired by the community for every breathing individual: a successful career and my own family. I once thought that by the time I reached 30 I'd be an executive of some fancy company, driving my own car, residing in a happy two storey house with two kids (a girl and a boy) and some Adonis top manager/lawyer/doctor/haciendero for a husband. I was stupid as a kid. How much of a fool was I?  

My reality turned out much different from the norm...no...different from what I had innocently imagined back then. I would define my twenties as the entire process of a quarter-life-crisis. From pre-recognition, to gradual realization, to being overwhelmed and basking in the feeling of succumbing to its pains, to acceptance, to learning to deal with it, slowly overcoming my demons, until finally reaching a point of easing down into self-healing. I suppose, this is why I am yet to write a proper article regarding quarter life crisis despite claiming this blog as dedicated to living through quarter life. I only did snippets of it because I haven't totally embodied it, not until I was able to go through the entire thing that I can self-validate, describing the horrors and conquest of going through a quarter life crisis.

My teen years was the age of self identity and rebelliousness, and upon reaching my twenties I started a more mature quest of figuring out my life path and purpose. It was the decade of accepting my fate of becoming an adult, thus becoming a more responsible human being. The first three years of my twenties I would say was when I truly felt my youth and freedom as I just graduated and had all the energy in the world to conquer it. My mid-twenties was when it went downhill...my energy level, my finances, my satisfaction level, and my overall happiness level. Why? I was so discontented with my reality and cannot help but willow in the pains of frustration, self-pity and self-inflicted misery. It was the peak my quarter-life-crisis. My turning point was when I was able to identify the cause of my anxiety and got slapped with a dose of reality-check from the person I needed to hear it the most. My mom said, "Change your mindset and get over yourself." A perfect way to show tough love as typical of my mom, but those were the words that slapped me back to consciousness and got me out of the cycle of substantiating my bitterness with all pseudo realities that dwelt more on negativity than gratitude. I resigned from my job to chase after my dream of starting a business. I found hope by clinging onto faith and restitching my relationship with God. I took it one day at a time, breathed in, and constantly just hung onto the possibility of reaching that day wherein I can say, "This is it." 

And just a few days prior, a timely event transpired, while meditating in the chapel of St. Pedro Calungsod, I stared at the face on the cross and out of the blue a thought came to me, "Oh my God, I'm happy and content." As it crossed my mind, I couldn't help but be emotional. It was a prayer that took years to be answered. That to me is the greatest gift I can get on my 30th year. A kind of actuality that I didn't come to realize and feel for quite some time now. I mean yeah, there's still a lot of ambitious dreams left to chase, but overall I am feeling good with who I am at this point. It took a lot and a long time to get to this state of consciousness, and by no means was it smooth sailing, but the journey was certainly more pleasant than turbulent. I remember writing a post at the end of 2017 that one of my 2018 goals is: "Be awesome by the time I turn 30." And I think reaching several of my life goals before turning thirty makes it quite an awesome feat. For our generation, reaching a state of happiness and contentment is improbable around this age with so much dissatisfaction...and it is exactly that, the realization that I have turned things around right at the end of my 29th year, is what makes it special. To think that just a few years ago I was miserable and downtrodden by my own doing. It was the peak of my quarter-life-crisis; I was in a state of disillusionment and uncertainty. 

It is in my 20's when I experienced a lot of firsts, either by choice or by fortunate to foolish turn of events. The best part of the whole experience is building memories and creating friendships that went beyond cordial. I experienced the peak of my youth in my twenties, and beneath this calm disposition is a bigger thirst for life. Though currently I could feel my energy level far less than my early twenties, I get to wake up and still be enamoured by the little things. A far cry from my mid-twenties.

At this point, I see friends my age chasing dreams, getting married, starting a family (some have three kids even), those migrating to more progressive countries, some deciding to go back home to be with their loved ones...but there are also those who are still in the process of figuring things out, still within the loop of finding themselves. Me? I've come into terms with who I am, and just ever so carefully making means to turn into the person I want to become. I left my job, one stable and another high paying one, to chase dreams that I know one day will be more purposeful than what I do for corporations. I've made it this far. I've started taking the high road, and I cannot look back. 

I want my thirties to be a decade of pursuing bigger life goals as well as doing more purposeful acts of contributing to society. The end goal is home...and a childhood dream realized. Indeed, with the way things are taking a turn, 30 will suit me just fine...probably more than 20, or 29 even. Thirty it is.

QLC Moment #13

I went out to meet with friends yesterday. It was one of those days wherein you sort of make plans, yet in the end nothing goes according to plan. It was not simply because of a series of unfortunate events...I mean yeah, it did rain and we had to force our half-asleep-selves out of bed just to push through with the trip, but the main culprit was that we were consciously making spontaneous decisions of changing the plans. From a supposed relaxing drive up the mountains and dipping in a hot spring, we made sudden turns that led us to various far flung restaurants that never managed to satisfy our palettes after three different places─a full stomach but an unsatisfied tongue. The recurring statement the whole day was, "I don't know what I'm craving for."

But of course that's not the "forever plan" I was talking about. At the end of the day my friend, who has the habit of blurting out snippets of what she's thinking, suddenly said, "I thought that was it, but now I'm down to this." [Referring to her plan of applying for a job overseas.] She was still recovering from a horrible heartbreak she experienced late last year. And when a friend decides to talk─really talk─you shut up and listen.

She went, "The papers were done. My supposed uniform for my job was already ready to be worn. Everything was set. We already talked about it, I had made the decision to go out and set my life with him. I really thought I was gonna be going out of the country because he was setting a life for us abroad, then all of a sudden he just calls me and that's it. That was my plan...now I don't know what I'm doing." A quick back story of the call was that the guy called from abroad to inform my friend [his then gf] that he met his high school sweetheart where he is living now and they hit it off. And only then did he realize that his high school sweetheart...is the one. She continued in a more high-pitched humorous tone, "He said he was sorry. SORRY! SORRY!? But then what can I do with his sorry!? What more can I do than just hurt. How will he react if I stab him on the back and just say oops, SORRY! What will he do with my SORRY if I already stabbed him!?!?" After getting some loud giggles from us she got more serious, "I wonder what went through my mother's mind when I went in her room and said that I was not pushing through with the plan? I saw the disappointment in her stare after she was caught off guard. I wanted to explain, but I didn't want to cry in front of her, so I left her room and cried in mine."

When she realized that she made herself vulnerable enough in front of us, she stopped. Then my other friend simply said, "You got it better because you're not yet engaged. Remember [insert girl's name here]? He called it off right after they got married. And this is exactly why I don't want some guy coming in my life and destroying my plans. He can wait, when I'm stable and able to live on my own terms!"  

That confession made me think, what would have I done if I was left crumbling in that situation? But then again...men were never really a priority above my own. 

QLC Moment #06

I went out for dinner with a friend last week, from a simple catch up we ended up drinking six glasses of beer. Why? Other than the fact that we've come into terms that [some] craft beers actually taste good and not just some seawater piss with a bitter aftertaste, we reached a point in our conversation that made us go─OMG WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY LIFE!?!? We are past the mid-twenties age, practically about to depart for the thirties stage , yet there we were without a proper course and direction. And while we see our batchmates posting about getting engaged, tying the knot or starting a family; about half of them pursuing their dreams abroad, there we were, back in our hometown, panicking. 

In between our plans of partnering up for a future business venture, she told me that she was torn with the decision of either pushing through with the solo business she had been planning for some months now or wait for a call from a company that she had been wanting to try out for quite some time. It was when I was driving her home when she blurted, "I really don't know if this is a sign or a test. Just about every time I am set to make a life-changing decision some sort of distraction comes up, and it's been setting me back a couple of times. I can't decipher what the universe is trying to tell me." 

I couldn't agree more. It's happened to me more often than I want it to, and it seriously changes the game, from something simple and a supposed straightforward decision it suddenly becomes this confusing struggle of weighing certain events whether to take it as a sign or a test. The two are very different things that can cause serious delays if taken the wrong way. Years of your life could turn into empty yieldings if wrongly interpreted. It's a frustrating situation to be in, no joke. It made me think about what my brother mentioned several weeks earlier, firmness and discernment is key to overcoming indecision. Deep gut feeling and proper meditation plus research can give you plausible answers, sometimes; as people's opinions tend to add chaos to the confusion.

We met again the other day. She was distraught at the curveball life threw at her. On the day that she made the decision that she was going to push through with the business, the company called...she got the job. 

QLC Moment #19

The other day my cousins, brother and I went out for dinner at Jaime's...and since we only managed to consume a few amount of beer by the end of the meal, my brother made me drive to another drinking spot for another round because he refused to go home without a proper alcohol-toxicity level. And while our cousins have all gone home, he, over a bottle of beer started talking about frustrated dreams and an unplanned life direction...and how I should not follow in his footsteps. 

There, in front of me was a man in his mid-thirties, telling me that adulthood is about survival. Childhood dreams no longer matter, it's about earning a living and paying the bills. I felt sorry for him; at this point, at my age, there is still a sense of idealism in me, unwilling to accept that as long as I have money in my pocket I'm fine and dreams need not fulfilled. I guess, life may have beaten me around a bit, but that should not stop me from ever giving up what I had set out to do. I refuse to let cynicism set in. It's gonna set my world into a flurry of grays and uninspired smiles. 

He said he strayed away too much for too long from his plans, that his detour kept him off the track more than he had realized and perhaps there's no going back but forward. I told him to wait for signs, that it's not too late, but he said that asking for signs can result to a lot of confusion. Far too many times he felt he has misinterpreted the signs being given, resulting him to further distance from the right track. He confessed that he had stopped asking for signs years ago, now he only prays for proper discernment...that he may find the strength to continue with whatever decision he might make with his life, and in the long run realize his life's purpose. Right now, his only concerns are what really matters to him, and us, his family.

I assured him not to worry, because as stupid as it might sound, this whole bum thing is still part of the ultimate game plan I had made way back in highschool. The whole jumping from one job to another, maintaining that uncertainty of finding a stable long-term 8-hour office job is, a sort of, half-conscious decision to keep my focus on the goal, and to avoid from staying too long in the grasps of self-serving corporations. Far too many people question my unorthodox strategy especially after leaving one of the biggest companies for this experimental business venture with my friends. Unknown to them, working for that company was just another one of those detours because I considered it as just one of those curious childhood what-ifs checked off my list of targets. Though it may be part of my dreams, it was never THE ultimate dream. 

So yeah...now I'm keeping myself in check...am I still within the realms of the world I had dreamt of building for myself? Maybe so...just some delays here and there, but definitely I'm still playing the game.

QLC Moment # 31

It was some time tonight when I was chatting with a friend when it occurred to me, the day has ended with not much done on the check list that I was supposed to be doing today. 

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING FOR 14 HOURS!?!

I gave up on a supposed hike up Mt. Daraitan because I was suppose to be making some studies and stuff for the activities I have lined up next week (food shoot for a client, meeting with another client, bazaars, and go to the Hot Air Balloon Festival in Pampanga.) I woke up at 7:30am today, heard the light drizzle of rain out the balcony, stared at the gloomy weather outside and went right back to sleep until 10am. Huhuhu! I couldn't help it, I miss the cuddle weather so much!

As for the rest of the day, I must have spent six hours aimlessly staring at the TV, watching little nothings and spent another five hours online scrolling the screen for other little nothings. Huhuhu! I mean, yeah, I did get a couple of things done like getting the laundry, feeding myself and doing two renders of the venue for the exhibit I'm working on...but that's besides the point of what I set out to do when I planned my day the night before. Oh, the makings of a future successful entrepreneur surely seem far fetched right now...but I'll sort things out, eventually.

As seen on the screenshot below, I said it myself:

"Mahirap maging artist na tamad T-T" 

("It's not easy being a lazy artist.") 

QLC Moment #22

A couple of days ago, I was able to catch up with one of my college friends, and before that I also met up with another close friend in high school. For the former, we went to a cafe to talk over dessert while the latter, we chatted in a pub with a glass of wine and tequila sunrise on the side. Despite the difference in atmosphere, both spoke of the same issues: life. 

I suppose we're at this stage wherein we continue to question ourselves:

What am I doing? Where do I go from here? How come I am at a point wherein I'm not sure if I'm on the right track? Am I doing it wrong?!?

While my friend who chose to drink alcohol was downright frustrated at life, the one who chose to eat a slice of cake is taking into account that maybe life is a little too bittersweet for her taste.

Our conversations went on for hours, and at the end of the night we felt the same, that we are not alone in this journey of ours...because we have people who can make us feel a little sense of relief, that ironically, we are all a little bit frustrated...a little bit bittersweet.

QLC Moment #16

Ever since Facebook started featuring throwback photos in your timeline, stating the number of years it's been since you posted it made me realize that I can now count in decades. Statements like, "OMG that was five-eight-ten years ago...and that other thing was twenty years ago!"can now be stated as facts and not over exaggeration of years!!!!!!!!!!! Crap...certain memories can now be realistically labelled as "that-was-decades-ago". Oh yes, that bittersweet feeling of unconsciously aging will surprise you to no bounds when you one day realize that it's been THAT long. Does that make it a good thing?

QLC Moment #4

One day, you wake up and start asking the question over and over again...only to do nothing in the end. It's a question that I try to justify with excuses every freakin' time, but at the end of the day, whether I deny the truth or not...the answer is something I have to face at the end of my life. 

QLC Moment #14

QLC Moment #09

Here's the thing about having a set of friends who are the same age as you are...you basically experience the same things in life. I've gone around speaking to high school friends and college friends, they are encountering the same fears and doubts and frustrations and confusion as I am. To make the story short, we are in the same point in our lives and so we all have plans but basically don't know what to do about it right now. Oh the irony!

QLC Moment # 4

I get scared every day with the possibility that things might not work out the way I have always hoped for...Having to settle with Plan B isn't an option as there is no Plan B...yet...and if there will be, I don't want it! There's a spoiled brat in me that agitates me at the thought of having to settle for the next best thing. I've put up with a lot of shenanigans, trying to accept what I don't truly like for the sake of compromise, and I have regretted doing so most often than not...like 98% of the time. And so the nagging fear that I might disappoint myself in the end is something truly terrifying to think about.

QLC Moment # 5

There are days when you wake up and ask yourself, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!?"

QLC Moment #3

I'm currently in the process of piecing together an article on my take about how I define a Quarter Life Crisis or QLC since this is what my blog is all about. In my effort do so, I've come to realize that I don't know where to begin nor how to end it...it's maybe because I'm in the middle of it all that's getting me all blanked out. So, as a solution, I've come up with my QLC Moments segment. These are random thoughts  that happen to fall off my head whenever I space out or stare at a blank wall. Although some applies to my current state of paranoia, some are just exaggerated representations of what a typical 20-something-old might actually think about during those reality-check moments. 

To those who don't know, it's my birthday month and I'm closing in to turning 25 years old. Ack! I never imagined myself to be in this situation when I was in high school ..well...I didn't care what I was going to be back then. And then this happens!!! ARGGGHHHHH! 

My actual fear is turning 30 years old and being in a situation that I deem far from what I envisioned myself to be when I was younger. You know, like a millionaire-boss-awesome state kinda thing. Although 40 seem like a distant future, turning 30 is just around the corner and I get a real dread whenever I get a chance to reflect about it. NOOOOOOOO!