From years down to days, it has come to this...hours passing and minutes ticking...I have reached the end of my twenties. It's only a matter of time when my book for this decade closes and the years to my 30's begin.
As a child I imagined that I'd have my life all figured out by now because the age 3-0 seemed so oooold twenty-so years ago. I imagined living the typical life expected of a traditional Filipino woman, aspired by the community for every breathing individual: a successful career and my own family. I once thought that by the time I reached 30 I'd be an executive of some fancy company, driving my own car, residing in a happy two storey house with two kids (a girl and a boy) and some Adonis top manager/lawyer/doctor/haciendero for a husband. I was stupid as a kid. How much of a fool was I?
My reality turned out much different from the norm...no...different from what I had innocently imagined back then. I would define my twenties as the entire process of a quarter-life-crisis. From pre-recognition, to gradual realization, to being overwhelmed and basking in the feeling of succumbing to its pains, to acceptance, to learning to deal with it, slowly overcoming my demons, until finally reaching a point of easing down into self-healing. I suppose, this is why I am yet to write a proper article regarding quarter life crisis despite claiming this blog as dedicated to living through quarter life. I only did snippets of it because I haven't totally embodied it, not until I was able to go through the entire thing that I can self-validate, describing the horrors and conquest of going through a quarter life crisis.
My teen years was the age of self identity and rebelliousness, and upon reaching my twenties I started a more mature quest of figuring out my life path and purpose. It was the decade of accepting my fate of becoming an adult, thus becoming a more responsible human being. The first three years of my twenties I would say was when I truly felt my youth and freedom as I just graduated and had all the energy in the world to conquer it. My mid-twenties was when it went downhill...my energy level, my finances, my satisfaction level, and my overall happiness level. Why? I was so discontented with my reality and cannot help but willow in the pains of frustration, self-pity and self-inflicted misery. It was the peak my quarter-life-crisis. My turning point was when I was able to identify the cause of my anxiety and got slapped with a dose of reality-check from the person I needed to hear it the most. My mom said, "Change your mindset and get over yourself." A perfect way to show tough love as typical of my mom, but those were the words that slapped me back to consciousness and got me out of the cycle of substantiating my bitterness with all pseudo realities that dwelt more on negativity than gratitude. I resigned from my job to chase after my dream of starting a business. I found hope by clinging onto faith and restitching my relationship with God. I took it one day at a time, breathed in, and constantly just hung onto the possibility of reaching that day wherein I can say, "This is it."
And just a few days prior, a timely event transpired, while meditating in the chapel of St. Pedro Calungsod, I stared at the face on the cross and out of the blue a thought came to me, "Oh my God, I'm happy and content." As it crossed my mind, I couldn't help but be emotional. It was a prayer that took years to be answered. That to me is the greatest gift I can get on my 30th year. A kind of actuality that I didn't come to realize and feel for quite some time now. I mean yeah, there's still a lot of ambitious dreams left to chase, but overall I am feeling good with who I am at this point. It took a lot and a long time to get to this state of consciousness, and by no means was it smooth sailing, but the journey was certainly more pleasant than turbulent. I remember writing a post at the end of 2017 that one of my 2018 goals is: "Be awesome by the time I turn 30." And I think reaching several of my life goals before turning thirty makes it quite an awesome feat. For our generation, reaching a state of happiness and contentment is improbable around this age with so much dissatisfaction...and it is exactly that, the realization that I have turned things around right at the end of my 29th year, is what makes it special. To think that just a few years ago I was miserable and downtrodden by my own doing. It was the peak of my quarter-life-crisis; I was in a state of disillusionment and uncertainty.
It is in my 20's when I experienced a lot of firsts, either by choice or by fortunate to foolish turn of events. The best part of the whole experience is building memories and creating friendships that went beyond cordial. I experienced the peak of my youth in my twenties, and beneath this calm disposition is a bigger thirst for life. Though currently I could feel my energy level far less than my early twenties, I get to wake up and still be enamoured by the little things. A far cry from my mid-twenties.
At this point, I see friends my age chasing dreams, getting married, starting a family (some have three kids even), those migrating to more progressive countries, some deciding to go back home to be with their loved ones...but there are also those who are still in the process of figuring things out, still within the loop of finding themselves. Me? I've come into terms with who I am, and just ever so carefully making means to turn into the person I want to become. I left my job, one stable and another high paying one, to chase dreams that I know one day will be more purposeful than what I do for corporations. I've made it this far. I've started taking the high road, and I cannot look back.
I want my thirties to be a decade of pursuing bigger life goals as well as doing more purposeful acts of contributing to society. The end goal is home...and a childhood dream realized. Indeed, with the way things are taking a turn, 30 will suit me just fine...probably more than 20, or 29 even. Thirty it is.
Best Part of My Twenties:
It's having the youth and independence of seeing a bigger part of the world I lived in my teens. It's expanding my territorial realm and leaping out of my comfort zone to expand my understanding with the dealings of the world. By doing so, I have learned so much, nothing like what was fed to us in school; so much so that it has managed to change the way I think and act. The experiences were beyond the audial and the visual; the lessons became memories, not a temporary flashing of light nor a flip of a page. It made me deliriously curious about being alive in a world that's so vast with culture and tastes.
Worst Part of My Twenties:
It's dealing with the anxieties of a quarter-life-crisis. It was a horrible made-up reality I had to face day in and day out for almost probably four years of my twenties. It was such a self-destructive attitude towards life that it almost robbed me of what could have been my best years. Also, losing a lot of loved ones including some of my closest cousins.
Most Memorable Part of My Twenties:
It's going to places for the first time. These places, local and abroad are definitely ones I like to reminisce time and time again. I am biased with Japan though because it's my first dream destination ever! Thanks to anime. Next dream destination after Japan is Paris, but I have the next nine years to deal with fulfilling that goal.
Most Unexpected Part of My Twenties:
This whole adulting thing. The part wherein I need to make adult decisions in order to survive life. It didn't hit me hard until I graduated and had to go look for money in order to do the things that I want...although of course my parents still help me whenever I fall short of my own financial expectations...but overall, in order to eat that nice looking dessert on display I have to make a means to earn the cash that buys it. BILLS! BILLS! BILLS! And the whole energy-depletion thing, it's draining me out sooner than I had anticipated...starting at age 25, I felt my body no longer works like it used to. Physical aging is a real thing.
Most Loved Part of My Twenties:
It's the people I got to meet. At the end of the day, it's making real connections that makes this whole experience of life worthwhile. I've met some of the closest people in my life right now in my twenties.
What Has Changed the Most in My Twenties:
My overall outlook in/at/of/for/on life. I can clearly and proudly say that I have changed from this naive brat into this mature-sensible-though-at-times-still-childish person.
Achievement Unlocked in My Twenties:
A whole lot really...most of which involve seeing new places and getting to do things I otherwise am unable to do when I was younger.
Most Regretful Part of My Twenties:
Not considering on my health well enough. At some point I could start to feel my body react to pains that I otherwise would never have imagined feeling at my age. Back pains are real; that one mistake of getting a massage from an untrained old lady in the mountains has caused me years of occasional spasms on my teres muscles for years, so much discomfort too soon. It's something I had to have therapy for quite some time now, but the pain never really goes away.
What do I look forward in my thirties? Living the life that awaits me. The life that I didn't get to live in my twenties...a little more stable and settled perhaps?
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