Waiting for Tears

I was waiting for inspiration to strike this morning. It's the last day of June and I have yet to write an entry for the month. Mid-year, half-way there...and still we're in a situation of an unsettling future for the second half of the year. I was thinking of what to write, if whether or not I would just make an update of my life thus far, or make an article that's been pending for years. An hour before publishing this entry I got news that I don't have a strong crew for tomorrow at our shop...and I was at the end of the line. I wanted to give up the whole thing because damn, running a business in this pandemic isn't easy in all aspect. Losing money is real, while an uncertain next few months is certainly for certain. It was fine a few months ago, tiring...but fine. Now, it's just tiring. 

I have wondered a couple of times through this pandemic why I seem to be doing better than others...mentally for the most part. I was at our dinner table when I had to hold back my tears from falling...if anything...I don't cry in front any one. As kids we were trained not to show any kind of emotional weakness. I ate my dinner and managed to laugh without having to release any tears. When I was done with dinner, I took a bottle of wine, played some sad indie music, Birthplace by Novo Armor to be exact, went out the balcony, looked at the starry sky and slowly allowed my tears to fall off my lashes. It was a beautiful release of unacknowledged sadness. I managed to hold off this moment, while nothing preempted me from having to finally feel pain like this. I knew it was bound to happen...especially looking at the grim situation of everyone. I'm one of the lucky ones despite of knowing that we're about to close another business in a month...just after over a month of investing and opening our doors. That makes it two failed businesses and branches closed within a span of seven months. Seeing something rise and fall is a hard blow on the emotion...even for a mentally stable person.

What then? What now? It's all a matter of pushing forward as we pick up the pieces of what's left behind. I know what I want to do next, I'm good at moving on...and making plans. Making it work is something that will take a little more than dreaming. So is the way of taking the path of a free-spirited entrepreneur. Planning and starting is the easy part, holding onto to it for as long as possible will be the challenge.

We have another six months remaining before this year finally ends. Will it matter if 2020 ends? Will 2021 be actually better? There is never a certain answer as everyone predicted 2020 to be a lucky year. Every one was optimistic then. I guess to some it is...for a time...it was. 

Here's the music I was listening to as I drank wine, stared at the dark sky, and allowed my emotions to unravel from my thoughts and down my eyes:

In the end, I didn't find the inspiration I wanted...but I did manage to pour out a lot of pent up emotions...which actually gave content to my post. I'll end this entry with a quote that made me ponder a bit tonight. It's from Fr. Jerry Orbos, and he said:

"A broken heart is an open heart."